#like. to a degree. i can really only rely on myself. i am the only one who will consistently prioritise me.

[confinesofmy]

my mom was kinda eh shrug about my cousins but she could call them when she needed help and they'd come. i'm kind of eh shrug about my cousins and i can call them when i need help and they will say they're not really sure what they can do about that but it'll probably work itself out and then talk about watching a dog i used to sleep with every night ***** *** while doing nothing and this will be how i find out he's died.

[the-badger-mole]

How the High King of Elfhame Got His Seneschal's Photo

Well, this was a waste of a trip to the mortal world. I leaned against the brick wall of the cafe I'm waiting in front of and bite back an annoyed groan. After all, I knew coming here on the strength of a fourthhand rumor was a long shot. Still, when Randalin told me that he'd heard from his valet who'd heard from the servant of one of the gentry families of the lower courts that there was a rumor of a kidnapping plot against my brother amongst the solitary fae, I thought it best to look into it myself. Now that I know the rumor was just the product of someone's overactive imagination, I wish I had just let one of the spies from the Court of Shadows look into it .

The fact that I probably wouldn't have trusted anyone else with this mission isn't a thought worth acknowledging.

I look down the empty street, expecting the Roach at any moment. Not for the first time, I wish for some way to travel between Faerie and the mortal world without needing to rely on one of the Folk to escort me. I would have asked Vivi if I knew how quickly this little side mission was going to be done. Oh, well.

A dark car pulls to a stop about half a block away from me. I note it absently. After all, I am not waiting on a car. Ten minutes later, I'm starting to get impatient. The Roach had come with his own agenda, I knew, but he had led me to believe that he would be done with his errand long before I was done with mine. I hope he'll show up soon. It was really starting to get cold, and I am not dressed for the weather. I shiver and pull my hoodie closer around me. Maybe, I consider, I should consider making it policy that anyone coming to the mortal realm should carry burner phones so they can stay in touch. Knowing when the Roach would be here would make waiting a little more bearable, at least.

The sound of the car door opening draws me out of my thoughts, and I realize that a man has emerged. Then I realize he's heading in my direction. My hackles go up immediately, though I try to calm myself down. He may not be coming to me. He may just pass me on the way to someplace else.

He does not pass me.

"This isn't a place for loiterers," the man says gruffly. I snort at that.

"If I see any I'll let them know."

"Oh, a joker."

"Only on occasion." The man sneers at me.

He's not dressed the way I picture mortal thugs dressing. He is in a brown leather bomber, but his jeans are clean and crisp, as if he ironed them as flat as he could that morning. Even I know that is unforgivably geeky. On his feet is a pair of shiny black dress shoes. Not boots, or sneakers, like I'd seen on gangsters and evil bikers in movies. The man is also inexplicably wearing a pair of dark mirrored sunglasses, although the sun had very nearly set.

"Why don't you show me your hands?" He phases it like a question, but it sounds like a command. I ignore it and turn my gaze away from him. In my pocket, I turn my fingers against my wrist, feeling the hilt of my dagger there. Let him try me.

"I said show me your hands!" When adding volume to his voice doesn't work, he reaches for me, presumably to force me to obey. The shock on his face when I grab his wrist instead is deeply satisfying. His yelp of pain when I twist it to an unnatural degree is even more so. My dagger stays where it's hidden up my sleeve. I don't need it for him.

Down the street, the car opens again, on the passenger side this time, and another man emerges, running towards me and his friend. Well, a fight will keep me warm, anyway.

"Freeze!" the man shouts. He pulls a gun from his waist and points it at me. Internally I groan as I reluctantly raise my hands over my head. How did I forget about guns?

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"You're where?" Vivi screeches on the other end of the line. I flinch away from the phone receiver and glance around warily, certain that the police officers can hear my sister.

"I'm in jail," I repeat. "I need you to come bail me out." Vivi goes silent and I swear I can hear her pinching the bridge of her nose. Then, to my surprise, she laughs.

"Alright," she says at last. "Give me an hour."

"I've already been here for three!" I complain.

"Tough!" Vivi cackles. "I have to drop Oak off at a party, and I need get a card for the birthday boy first. You'll be alright. And if you get a prison tattoo, make sure it's a cool one."

"Viv!"

"I'll see you soon." Vivi is still laughing as she hangs up. I have to choke back a growl of frustration as I slam the receiver back onto the cradle.

"Finished?" the deputy who'd escorted me from my cell to make my one phone call.

"Finished," I sigh. A few moments later, the iron bars slam shut behind me. I am not alone in the cell, but the woman on the top bunk is in deep slumber, if her bone rattling snores are anything to go by. Then the smell of her hits me. This must be the drunk tank, I realize. With a huff, I sit on the bottom bunk and wait.

And I wait.

And wait.

One hour passes without Vivi showing up. Then two. At two and a half hours, I get up and pace the floor. Surely they'd give me another call, I think. But then, who else would I call besides Vivi? It was almost a miracle that I remembered her phone number. I never even tried to memorize Heather's. Besides, even if I had, Heather was probably with Vivi, or stuck at home. They only had one car between them.

Finally, as the clock was about to mark the third hour since I'd called my sister, I hear a commotion outside of the cell block.

"What do you mean I can't see my sister? I am here to bail her out. I have the cash right here!" Vivi's voice carries back to me, and I almost cheer in relief.

"Vivi!" I call.

"We're here, Jude!" Vivi yells back. Then her voice goes low. I can tell she's talking to someone, and finally they seem to come to an agreement. Then they are headed in my direction. Vivi appears behind the sheriff and she is the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. I'm so happy to see her that I don't see who's with her for a moment. It's not Heather who is standing behind her. It's Cardan.

Seeing him here, in the mortal realm- in a mortal police station of all places is so jarring, I can only stare for a moment. Especially since he's in a ridiculous red silk shirt with pearls at the cuffs and collar. Then I turn back to Vivi.

"Por que lo trajiste?" I demand in harsh whisper.

"Llegó a mi puerta y no me dejaria salir sin él." Vivi shrugs. "It was faster to bring him."

"That doesn't sound like you're grateful to see me," Cardan says, raising his brow.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him. I'm not angry. I'm too confused for anger, and I guess he sees that in my face, because he's not nearly so defensive when he answers.

"The Roach came rushing back to the palace raving that you'd been kidnapped," Cardan said. He eyed my cell distastefully, keeping well away from the iron bars. I have to force myself not to shrink in embarrassment. "And here you are indeed being kept captive for ransom. It wouldn't be very gallant of me to leave my seneschal imprisoned."

"Estaba furioso," Vivi tells me with an amused glance at him. "Tengo preguntas para ti luego. A lot!"

"Hey, pal," the sheriff cuts in. "Bail ain't ransom. She was arrested, not kidnapped." Vivi shakes her head, ignoring both men.

"Jail, Jude?" she sighs. "Que hiciste, hermanita?"

"Nothing!" I hiss back. "No hice nada. Es solo que él tiene una lasca en su hombro!" I jerk my chin towards the sheriff without looking at him.

"Little lady, assaulting an officer is not a little chip on my shoulder," the sheriff says. Vivi and I fall silent and stare at him. He shoots us a smug smirk. "Yeah, I speak Spanish, too." Behind him, I see Cardan is also smirking. His brows go up in amusement.

Little lady? he mouths silently. I scowl and shake my head at him. No. He will absolutely not make that a thing. I am not above ordering it so.

"You assaulted an officer?" Vivi is doing her best to sound disapproving, but she is barely keeping the grin off of her face, or the laugh from her voice.

"I didn't know he was an officer," I explain for for feels like the ten thousandth time tonight. "Some guy approaches me and starts making vague threats and I'm just not supposed to defend myself? He wasn't in uniform. He didn't even show me a badge!" At that, Vivi whirls on the sheriff, all amusement gone from her face.

"He didn't even identify himself?" she almost yells.

"W-well, h-he...he was only trying to warn her not to loiter," the sheriff stammered. "That block has had some issues with vandals recently, so plain clothes cops patrol there."

"I wasn't loitering. I was waiting for my ride." I press myself to the bars and glare daggers at the sheriff. "Then this random guy comes over and starts demanding to see my hands. I wasn't vandalizing anything! Tell me where that falls under protect and serve."

"Let my sister out!" Vivi demands. "Whatever your officer got was well deserved, it sounds like."

"It sounds like he got off lightly." Cardan's voice is deceptively airy. There's a coldness in his eyes that I know from experience means nothing good for the sheriff.

"I already told you, I can't let her go," the sheriff huffs. "Assaulting an officer is a felony, and a judge will need to set bail. She's in there until Monday." My jaw drops in shock. It's Friday. He expects me to stay in this disgusting cell for two days? Before I can protest, Cardan speaks again. This time when he speaks, the anger is tinged with glamour.

"I believe you'll find that you can let her go tonight," he says.

"I...I can let her go..." The sheriff's voice is distant, as if he's talking in his sleep. "Yes...I...I can let her go tonight. Just be sure to show up to your hearing on Monday."

"There won't be a hearing on Monday," Vivi says, her voice taking the same ineffable quality that Cardan's had. It was always strange watching the Folk glamour mortals from this end. Normally, I'm not a fan, especially of my sister doing it. But I cannot spend the weekend in a jail cell.

"Ri-ight," the sheriff agrees. He goes quiet for a moment and I suppose it's during this time that his brain supplies a good reason for letting me leave. He blinks his eyes rapidly, as if waking, and he shakes his head. Then he unlocks the cell and holds it open for me. "You're free to go."

"Wait, he still has my dagger," I say as I step hurriedly out of the cell. The sheriff closes it slowly behind me and stares at my cellmate thougthfully. She had been snoring loudly through this entire exchange.

"By all means let us retrieve it," Cardan drawls. "We all know how naked you feel without a weapon." Vivi rolls her eyes and enchants the sheriff again. A few minutes later, he's brought my sheathed dagger out from the evidence locker, and thrown away the plastic baggie it had been stored in. I wonder if he will get in trouble for this, then I decide that I don't care. I shouldn't have been arrested in the first place.

"Hey buddy," the sheriff calls Cardan aside. His brow goes up. At the informality of the address, I suppose. Still, he's intrigued enough to move closer. Whatever glamour Cardan had put on the sheriff seems to have left him with the impression that he and the High King were friends. He grinned mischievously at Cardan and hands him a manila envelope. "I figured you'd want a souvenir of your girlfriend's time as a felon."

"I'm not his girlfriend," I huff rolling my eyes. Cardan accepts the envelope nonetheless. I'm too tired to care, though. It must be near dawn, and all I want is to go home and sleep.

"What did he give you?" Vivi asks as we make our way to her and Heather's car. Cardan opens the envelope and pulls out a glossy picture. It's my mug shot. A flash of hot rage rolls through me, and I have half a mind to go back inside and show the snarky sheriff what assault with a deadly weapon truly looked like.

"I need ten copies of that!" Vivi howls with laughter. "I'm sending this to everyone!"

"No you're not!" I say, snatching the picture out of Cardan's hand and stuffing it in my pocket. "We are never talking about this again."

"Oh, honey," Vivi laughs again, throwing her arm around my shoulder. "You know that's not true." I grumble something vaguely threatening as I climb into the backseat of the car, but I know she's right. At least the photo evidence will soon be gone. I plan on burning my mugshot as soon as I can.

Later, in my rooms at the palace, I intend to do just that. Only when I check the pocket of my hoodie, it's gone. It must have fallen out in the car.

-:-:-:-:-:-

In his room, Cardan pulls out the photograph the sheriff had given him, and smooths it out. It's not very wrinkled, despite having been shoved unceremoniously into Jude's pocket. The woman herself stares up at him, holding a black placard with Duarte written in white block letters and a series of numbers beneath that. Loose strands of hair had fallen from her simple braid to frame her face, and she looks like she'd just been through a battle. Cardan supposes that wasn't far from the truth. Despite her apparent disarray at the time of her arrest, she manages to somehow look both imperious and sullen at the same time. Cardan grins at the image, knowing that Jude might actually kill him if she knew he had it.

Some months later, when she is in the middle of carving a space for herself in his room (their room, he corrects himself), Cardan is proven right.

"Are you serious?" she demands, snatching the framed photo from among his things on the dresser. Her eyes are alight with anger when she rounds on him. Cardan only chuckles in reply.

"Well, I could hardly commission an official portrait of you without drawing some uncomfortable questions," he tells her. "Besides, I don't think any painter in Faerie or the mortal world could capture your essence quite as succinctly as this."

"Get rid of it!" Jude orders him. His wife didn't need any magical binds to get Cardan to do whatever she wanted. He would swim the entire ocean to bring her the fruit of the trees that grew in the Court of Teeth if she wanted. But in this, he would have to insist on his own way. He crosses the room and gently pulls the picture from his wife's resisting hands.

"I would sooner throw my crown in a tar pit," he tells her. At her indignant shriek, he laughs again and kisses her forehead. The novelty of having the privilege to do so hadn't yet lost it's luster, and Cardan suspected it would be a very, very long time before it did. "Have I ever told you how adorable you are when you're angry?"

"I thought I was terrifying," Jude says, crossing her arms and scowling at him. Cardan shrugs.

"Who said you couldn't be both?" He smirks at her as he goes in for the final blow, "My little lady."

Now there's a part 2

[kimbapisnotsushi]

hi! please share your headcanons about jay. thanks!

ooooooooh sure thing let's get it!!

(also please keep in mind that soke was literally my first time dipping back into dc after a LONG while, so i have a bit of catch-up to do in terms of characters and stories, and thus some of my knowledge might be outdated!!! also i love jay but i do consider myself still very new to understanding him and thus most of these will be silly fun :333)

damian makes fun of him for that all-black ninja-esque stealth suit he wore to sneak into star labs because there was literally NO POINT in jay trying to disguise himself like that when he didn't bother covering up his BRIGHT FUCKING PINK hair

yes i'm still mad about yes i would like to know his thought process

is it natural btw??? i've seen different takes around where people think it's dyed bc of his other version in aos:jk, but i feel like that's pretty unlikely considering it was shaved all the way down when he got taken prisoner and experimented on and it grew back exactly like that

for the record i'm not a hater i'm just saying 1) it made him a walking beacon and 2) it being natural is so fucking funny to me since he clearly didn't inherit it from his mom, which begs the question:

who the fuck is jay's dad

while jay does care for all of the revolutionaries as their ally and everyone at the truth as their boss, and as an overall friend, i think that wink and the aerie are especially close to him and they consider each other family. they were pretty much the closest thing to adult supervision jay had for a while, and he relied on them a lot when he was settling down in metropolis and figuring out how to live alone

this meant that he called them for stupid things like "if something explodes in your microwave do you call the fire department", and not-stupid things like "help me open a bank account because metropolis bank has laws that won't let me do it by myself as a minor"

they were also the first people he came out to

jay loves them even if they CAN be really annoying

jay: "are you—are you guys ACTUALLY planning on shovel-talking superman" wink: "technically, he's superman's son" the aerie: "and if he's late to the coffee shop, i'm taking points off"

i think jay would get along with tim actually

the dude is an underground hacktivist refugee, investigative journalist, and a former president's son. he's probably used to always looking over his shoulder, ready to be jumped at a moment's notice. he's got a plan for everything but the plans only exist inside his head because he can't risk hard copies being found or digital ones being hacked. he's memorized them all. they're either alphabetized or mentally color-coded. we're talking levels of elaborate just-in-case getaways and meticulously planned investigations that would get a normal reporter killed if they asked the wrong question. it's dedication to a terrifying degree

yeah tim would definitely rock with him

jay has this neat little trick where if he's in a situation in which someone's poisoned his food and he has to eat it/can't let them know he knows, he just partially phases his organs so that the food falls through his body a little bit at a time and never enters his digestive system

jon is HORRIFIED when he finds out. damian is really fucking impressed

does gamorra have its own language???? i feel like jay would be fluent in it if so. of course he would be. he'd do anything to keep part of home as close to his chest as possible

oh that's another thing i'll probs mess up on btw i am legit so confused on gamorra considering it's apparently in asia and i would assume has its own distinct culture? but jay's surname is japanese and that random kid on the boat has a japanese name so are they like. japanese-adjacent??? or is gamorra made up of multiple asian identities blended into one (read tags for clarification)

i should probably read absolute power shouldn't i

okay sorry that got WAY off topic but yeah jay is definitely someone who loved his home despite not being able to go back and did everything he could to maintain his ties

ALSO can we talk about jay being a student at metropolis college at seventeen???? did he skip a year of school when he got to the u.s.??? did he lie on forms or something??

like i don't think he's taking extra credit classes as a high school student because he was also advertising the media department when we saw him, and i don't think he'd be doing that if he was in high school

jon makes sense because he had a fake identity which COULD put him in college. but jay???

honestly lying on paper is such a jay nakamura thing to do if he doesn't want people tracking him down by cross-referencing his birthday with government records

jay nakamura's number-one tip of running an anonymous underground activist stream: hide all identifiable information from the government

(this does not work when you are widely recognized as superman's boyfriend)

also now that dick is backing the truth can we PLEASE get tim in on it. i think it'd be so fucking funny. i think he and jay would have a grand old time breaking into firewalls and digging through internet archives and exposing corrupt people

tim is like "FINALLY i have something fun to do at all those fucking galas bruce makes me go to" because jay needs some rich guy's vacation itinerary so he knows the prime time to break into his house and gather evidence for something

i just have so much appreciation for jay nakamura you guys i love him so much

[kosmokhaos]

Hi love! Your sims are GAWJUSSS. Literally breath taking. I’ve recently got back into playing ts3 and am loving it. I was wondering if you can recall the skin and/or makeup&accessories you used in Nyanaath’s makeover update here: https://www.tumblr.com/kosmokhaos/733942789751078912/i-feel-successful-now-cause-damn-ignore-the

I’ve been struggling so bad to find skins of high quality and detail that are darker hues, or eye/nose masks that don’t lose detail the deeper the shade gets. I saw that you gave a resource list of skins a few years back when Nyanaath looked a lil different, so i wasn’t sure if there was anything relatively new that you used or not. I see the pores and details in Nyanaath’s skin and am just dying to know how to get like you lmaoo

First of all, Hiii and thank you! 😁💕Happy new year! Prepare for a bit of rambling but I link to some stuff in the end.

I want to start off saying that most of my sim pics are edited to some degree, especially previous pics from the past. I'm trying to rely less on editing to make my sims looks nice, but of course there is only so much you can do in a sims game.

This is an example of what Nyanaath's skin looks like unedited. EA lighting sucks ass and looks patchy in Sims 3 on dark colored objects in general and unfortunately, sims are not excluded. I end up smoothing the discoloration and patchiness with editing 😭

Before vs After

Skins as dark as Nena's have to be made dark from the start because using a pale/light based skin and trying to use an in-game slider to darken it never turns out good in any game. Dark skin reflects light and shadows differently than light skin and needs its own already-dark base.

I will seriously consider trying to throw together a skinblend for male and female skins that are dark like this because I truly think there are none. BUUUUT LOL rambling aside I do have new recommendations for makeup and skin details since that post:

1. First up is @sourlemonsimblr for makeup. Especially for eyebrows and lipsticks! A lot of their lipsticks are insanely detailed and recolorable enough that they can fit most darker tones. Their skins are lovely too and they've even recently made a dark skin which I will💗Link Here💗. I haven't gotten a chance to play with it yet but they always have quality stuff. Take a stroll through their Downloads page because it's definitely worth it. 2. Next up for skin detail makeups is @smallsimmer. They have so many good nose makes and eye/lip details that can be recolored to use on your darker skinned sims! If you ever had a skin you really liked and wanted to switch up the nose, eyes or lips, their skin detail makeup will absolutely come in clutch. They even have a few converted for child and toddler sims (something ts3 is lacking in)💗Link Here💗 3. If you want some AF skins for darker sims that are readily available and detailed, I'd suggest @annoyinglydarkblaze I learned a lot about making skins from watching their journey into skin making a few years ago. Since they aren't as active anymore and their posts are a bit scattered I will link the skins I like best: 💗Here💗 💗Here💗 and 💗Here💗 4. My next pick for more masculine/male-centered CAS makeup and CC is @nectar-cellar Their cc has been helpful as I slowly update my male OCs. The Beards/detail makeup torso muscled-torso meshes and clothing are some of the best. 5. I also suggest @simtanico for sliders and their detail makeup. I have just about every slider they've created 😂They also make really well done maxis-match kinda styled clothes for male sims too.

I'm sure there are tons of other people I'm missing but its been a minute since I've been around simblr myself so I'll try to update this list as I go.

I'll also leave you with a little tip: Do NOT be afraid to use the opacity slider and layering with makeup on darker sims. Layering and opacity is your friend!

Happy Simming! 💗✨

[forcebutch]

hey man love ur work. just started t and trying to figure out if im a butch [currently id as bi but also not sure if i might be a lesbian] whos on t or if i might be like. an actual man. the thought of being a gay dude terrifies me but i cant tell if its scary bc im in denial or if its scary bc its not true.

i guess im wondering if u have any tips on figuring myself/shit out? i think part of it is feeling like i'll lose being butch if i'm also attracted to men?? any input or thoughts u may have are helpful tyy

i was gonna tell you you shouldnt source your info from porn blogs (and i should ABSOLUTELY NOT be your only source. i'm serious) but considering that i've been through that particular existential crisis multiple times i have some experience with it, let's do this anyways.

i am not even half as confident in my personal life as i am on this blog. my gender-sexuality is fluid and i do not fit nicely in categories, but that can feel like it leaves me either labelless or a liar. life as a gender-sexuality weirdo is not kind on anybody, and that pain really erodes away your concept of what parts of your self-image you are Allowed To Be, especially if you rely on others who agree with strict untouchable boundaries between genders and sexualities. frankly the strict no-touching model of gender-sexuality is really bad for questioning and gender/sexually fluid people. i think at some point in the 2010s we lost the idea of a queer spectrum and continued on with policed modes of gender-sexuality.

that's all theory, though. you can litigate your gender and sexuality to line up with cliquey queer ingroups or gender-apathetic academics or return-to-tradition het truscum until the cows come home and still never feel like yourself.

as my wife says, there's a reason science degrees require a number of lab hours. at some point you just gotta do it. no more theory: turn off brain, start. you have several hypotheses and they need some actual testing. flirt with somebody at a gay bar. do drag. buy syd sixx's or carta monir's t-masc-featured porn, take an edible, and have a night to yourself. watch an archived copy of bloodsisters with your pants off. fuck a friend who's gay in a different way than you. ask your partner to switch between calling you a good boy and a good butch in bed. call yourself a faggot while you're jacking it. 69 another gender outlaw. Do Something. you can figure out labels as you go.

[sugary-sheep]

(thinking back on my life with an analytical lens i haven't used before) people are really terrible to mixed race people, huh. like i am definitely privileged in a lot of ways compared to other racialized people, but I have also definitely been mistreated in so many ways that I simply could not articulate because I, at best, didn't know what i was. I have never felt comfortable or safe in 'whiteness,' despite it being what I assumed myself to be for most of my life, because it's always been conditionally offered and shaky at best. I can only ever benefit from it circumstantially. Glares that said "what are you?" from strangers, from police. "Uh huh......." looks when I say I'm white. I am offered some degree of reprieve from racialization through that ambiguity, but it's always conditional, always under surveillance. It isn't something I can rely on to protect myself. and also there's the, like. interpersonal rudeness from people denying that mixed status. thank you anglo-australian white girl for debating me via blood quantum and making me call myself white for another few years...

[heilos]

Hello! My name is Moriah and I am a junior in high school. I was wondering if I might be able to get your insight on a few questions I have?

I am in my final years of high school and am starting to think about college but I have no idea what I want to pursue. I know I love art, so for a long time I have been thinking about getting an art major or going to an art school.

I’m reaching out because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR ART and I think you are a very talented artist! I have been in love with your art for so long and I am curious and wondering how you are able to fit drawing into your life?

1.) If you went to college for art, what was it like? Do you think going to school for art or having an art major is worth it?

2.) how can I fit art into my everyday life? I’m sure you have work and other things to do in your life so how do you balance it out? (I just want to know how you can draw as much as you do!)

3.) do you do art as a full-time career or part-time career? is it an alright source of income? If it is a part-time career, how do you balance work, personal life, and art?

Thank you so much! And sorry if these questions might seem personal. I just want to know how other artist manage to draw and create their work and still have an adult life. Thanks again, and thank you for being a huge inspiration in my life to create the art I love! Your art means so much to me!❤️❤️ ❤️

Hi Moriah! Thank you so much for your patience since it took me a bit to answer this. I'll do my best to be as honest as possible. 1) I think going to college can be beneficial even if I wish i'd done things differently. In hindsight I would have definitely taken more time to really look through all available options instead of gunning straight for the most "prestigious" looking colleges since the idea of having a big name school on your resume was pretty prevalent when I was growing up. I went to Savannah College of Art and Design or SCAD for short and while I don't regret the friends I made there, I do regret not understanding just how much an institution like that ended up costing in loans compared to what I got out of it education wise. It always hurts my heart to see other kids get chained to huge amounts of student loan debt that could have been avoided. And even then you don't necessarily need a college degree for every type of art job. Your portfolio is what really matters more to prospective work places if you're looking at a career related to art. I would also keep in mind that the field is very competitive depending on what your goals are. Do you want to get into animation? game design? illustration? comics? prop design, character design or environment design? ect ect. Always try and give yourself the best advantage you can with researched knowledge of what you might be getting yourself into. Also there is no rush to go immediately into college even if you're dead set on wanting to attend one. Please give yourself as much time as you need to really make that decision and, if you have the option, don't feel pressured into thinking you HAVE to make that choice immediately out of high school. 2) I do get quite a bit of production art done on my days off mostly since I'm very experienced in working on group projects like Mystery Skulls Animated. When you're doing art and production work with other people, there's a different mindset in that others are relying on you to keep decently productive so that you're not holding up the pipeline if you're dedicated to seeing a project through to completion. Now when it comes to purely fun art on the side, I've actually only recently started balancing my time out better with work to sketch since the draw back of working on a group project like this for so long is a certain level of burn out. I had about a 2-3 year period where I couldn't get myself to draw much of anything even if I was excited about something like a new game or animated series and it's taken awhile to come to terms with the time lost since my body and head needed that time to recover and that's something i'm much more ok with now. I'm not the absolute best on advice for time management unfortunately, but seeking out projects that might interest you and lets you collaborate with other artists is definitely one way to keep yourself excited and engaged when wanting to make art. Just know and/or learn your limits and you'll be better about not getting too burned out when trying to find that decent balance of art time and other life activities. 3) I actually don't do art full time even if that was originally the plan back in college. I personally found out that I didn't want to turn it into a job the closer graduation came, but that varies completely from person to person and plenty of up and coming artists have found fulfillment in having art be their job too. I used to make prints for conventions so that was a partial income source for a little bit, but again for me it got tiring and I ended up getting a different more physical job to supplement my income while still being able to have enough time to stick around with my friend group on our music video projects. And again there's no shame in taking some time in trying to figure out if you want to make art your job and coming to a different conclusion. Sometimes the things we plan when we're younger take a wildly different turn out of left field and education or job aspirations are very much included in that.

[drdemonprince]

Probably a trivial question during a shitty time globally, but I'm going a bit crazy trying to figure this out and need help.

For some reason, people cancel last-minute alarmingly frequently when I host gatherings on days that are extremely important to me. I am talking mainly about my birthday and that of my partner but also a huge milestone graduation do last year was a nightmare as well. Neither I nor my partner have any meaningful relationships with our families anymore due to political differences and rely on our friends for the sense of home and belonging most people get from families.

Except this is a bit of a wasteland, as I struggle to form and maintain close friendships because of how unreliable and disappointing people have been for a while. This is not an individual (although there are a couple of people who I know will cancel every time) but a pattern. Someone will forget to book the right train ticket, another will only lurk on the event group chat and then comment for the first time before the event to say no. One person memorably just said they wanted to keep the option of a weekend gateway open so they could only come to my graduation party if they decided not to do that. Am I missing something here? Is this normal? I need consistency and dependability to feel safe and I feel like people I'd normally choose as friends (witty, nerdy interests, progressive) turn out to be incredibly bad at showing up for me when I need them. A friend I thought was close went completely mum after I graduated and didn't congratulate me at all - after having discussed the degree and its struggles with me for 2 years. Part of me feels like I need to rebuild my circle from scratch and maybe find people I can talk to honestly about my needs from the beginning of the friendship. But it feels so late and desolate to start this process in my mid-thirties. Everyone else has friends they grew up with and who know everything about their lives. Meanwhile, I am at the stage where I have no close friends at all anymore because my needs seem too absurd to even discuss with anyone except my partner, and if I do, I just lose friendships. I remember reading your piece on how to do social things as an autistic person last year and feeling very inspired so I thought I'd reach out to you.

This is all exceedingly, exceedingly normal, especially in the days post COVID for a variety of reasons. When I make plans with people, I assume that roughly 30-75% of the people invited are not going to show up, and I've completely made my peace with that. A friend of mine hosted a movie night a few weeks back, invited I believe around 15 people, and ultimately four showed up, many people being last-minute cancellations or total no shows.

This happens for a variety of reasons. Many people are very socially anxious and decide at the last minute they don't have it in them to show up because they're freaking out. Other people say yes when the event is days or weeks down the line, wanting in the abstract to be there, but then on the actual day of the event, practical daily life constraints are far more visible than they were when the event was just an idea, and so then they have to bail. Other people feel really bad saying no, and so they wait for the last minute to share that they can't make it. And lots of people are so bombarded with notifications on a variety of social media sites and chatting platforms that they just forget all that they've committed to. And then you add into that random illness, flat tires, crying kids, and the like, and you have a lot of reasons why people don't show up to things.

Personally, I have come to accept this. If I go into event planning assuming most people can't make it, my feelings aren't hurt. Every person who does show up is a gift. My invites are an opportunity, a true invitation, not an obligation or an expectation. I don't hurt my feelings in advance by telling myself that I need a high turnout for my birthday or that because I've worked hard making a certain dish for a party (I never actually do that admittedly lol) that a lot of people need to come and eat it.

And I invite people that I like and want to see, over and over again, because I care about them, and I want to show them that I care about them and that I understand they have other things going on and I am not offended that life got in the way for them. I want them to feel loved and included, even if they can't make it. Even the gesture of inviting a person to an event and them showing some interest is a meaningful act of maintaining social connections, for me. And so if they can't make it on the day of, that's fine by me.

I'm 35. My friends are anywhere from 21 to 60-something. People cancel events because of sick kids, broken down cars, long work weeks, depression, double-bookings, writing deadlines, social anxiety, busted ankles, not wanting to see one person they're currently having a difficult situation with, and any number of other factors. If you love people long enough, they get really complicated and their lives get really hard. I find that the most beautiful and friendship-sustaining thing one can do is to not take it personally, because you're going to need that same grace yourself plenty of times. People will drop of the map for months or years sometimes because they're going through hell, and you dont to deprive yourself of being open to reconnection when they're available again.

There's really no need to read anything into the randomness of life. This stuff will happen, so it's rational to expect it, and loving to not mind it too much.

Do you need to make some new friends? Maybe so! I have multiple different friend groups and I think that's healthy. You may find the no-shows less painful if you have more people to lean on. It's always good to form new connections, learn new things about yourself, expand your skills and understanding of the world through new information and experiences. But should you start over, and ditch your friends who are flakey? I don't think so. To be loved is to be sometimes flaked upon (and to flake). In this capitalistic, individualistic hellscape it's vitally important that we extend one another grace.

[ajaxbell]

Story of Kunning Palace is everything I shouldn't like and I love it

I picked up Story of Kunning Palace rather spontaneously, something to watch when I couldn't sleep, something to replace the run of really awful xianxias I keep quitting after a couple episodes. I went in knowing nothing about SoKP.

I was not prepared.

Oh, I said to myself, Zhang Linghe is in this. Fun!

Well my friends, while you should watch this because it's excellent, you should also brace yourselves. I did not expect to be utterly obsessed with this show and binge it all in like a week. Like literally I never do that. But the plot is interesting. It's beautifully shot. The cast is quite excellent. And the chemistry is off the charts.

Bai Lu is fantastic in this. She takes a complex roles and nails while giving the character an undercurrent of vulnerability that should win anyone over. She has sizzling chemistry with everyone she encounters, including one character who is the human equivalent of cream of wheat, and with the princess which is utterly delightful.

But Zhang Linghe. Whew, let me sit down and fan myself for a second. This is not the man who deftly played both Changheng and Xiao Run in Love Between Fairy and Devil. This is not the sweater-clad romantic his Studio seems to want to portray him as. This is... something else. Let me start with the caveat that I rarely go for the villain. I especially do not go for the villains who do not seem redeemable. And here in SoKP his character, Xie Wei, does not initially appear to be redeemable. He is a red flag a mile wide. He is a calculated mask of refinement over seething rage that always seems on the verge of breaking through. He appears capable of real violence. He sneers. He threatens. He's possessive and jealous to a disturbing degree. He generally looks disgusted with the world around him. And it is sexy as fuck. Why I am so in to this character? I can barely explain it beyond good acting and good storytelling. He is an utterly unhinged character, a veneer of civility over a feral creature ready to kill you at the slightest provocation, at least until you penetrate his armor. And then whew. You're in for quite a bumpy ride from beginning to end with his character, but so worth it for some incredible character development.

This is a reincarnation story of sorts, though slightly muddled since Chinese censorship won't allow those stories. It opens on the Empress, Jiang Xuening (Bai Lu) narrating her rise to power by any means necessary only to fall when rebels over take the palace. We see a lot of cruelty and violence and then rather than dying the Empress wakes up in the past with all her memories intact.

In this new life Jiang Xuening does everything she can to change events from the future she remembers, but ends up in the thick of it anyway. Along the way she collects an incredible cast of characters who all seem to fall in love with her (as you will too) and a long list of enemies so vile you will find yourself shouting at the screen for our heroes to just poison these assholes already.

It is especially interesting that here many of the side characters are the kind of good and honorable heroes, with excellent fighting skills or noble birth, that you often find at the center of these stories. Our secondary characters are sunshine, sweetness, and upright morality. But our leads are intensely morally grey, rely only on their wits, and are so packed full of trauma it's amazing they can function at all. And yet the story manages to wring some incredible depictions of friendship and loyalty out of this morally dubious center and make a story so irresistible that I lost sleep to watching several nights in a row.

In fairness some of that was because I just sort desperately needed more of Xie Wei the walking red flag, because whew he was so compelling. But it is truly a good and intricate story so full of twists that the constant surprise makes it even more satisfying. Highly recommend. But don't go into it looking for a sweet love story, it's a violent palace intrigue story with a side of very morally dubious and toxic romance with a smattering of consent issues, but weirdly, maybe even better for that? (And if you have a choking kink, this show will reward you!😅)

(And I'm not much one for celebrity gossip, but I will say that Zhang Linghe and Bail Lu gazing at each other in promo appearances for this has real 'get you someone who looks at you like Wang Yibo looks Xiao Zhan' vibes. Their on screen chemistry is searing, but it seems to have somehow carried over to or from real life because these people seem to very much, uh, admire each other.

gif from here

[mysteriouswolf]

TW: sh, panic attacks, suicide mentions [VENT POST]

I hate school.

It's so fucked up. All of it is so fucked up I swear I can't take it anymore.

I'm supposed to go to college. I'm supposed to get a degree in English, become and author, be super successful and live in a cottage for the rest of my life.

But I can't go to the college I want if I don't graduate high school, and I can't fucking do this shit anymore

I don't wanna pick what my future is going to be like at the age I am. I can't do so many more years of this. I can't, I can't.

Not to mention my school took away literally everything I relied on last year for my mental health, and even then I had anxiety attacks on the regular.

Now it's panic attacks. Every day. Every fucking day. I'm so fucking tired. I don't wanna be here anymore.

And my dad, and my counselor, they want to help, but they don't get it, not really. They don't understand what I need to be homeschooled or something. They don't get that I can't do it anymore.

It doesn't help that most of my anxiety is repressed, my panic attacks aren't me screaming and crying and breaking down, they don't look bad and people don't think they're bad. They think I'm exaggerating. But it's so bad, and when it gets bad I legitimately want to hurt myself. I've been clean for six months. I don't want to go back there, but I am, I am, and I don't know how to stop it.

Thank fucking god for my friends. I'm not going to tag them because I don't want them to read all of this and get really stressed out about my problems because I feel like a burden already and they all have their own shit and I'm in a better position at home than they are anyways. But they know who they are (royal, geo, char). You guys are the biggest reason I'm still here. And I'm still trying. I love you guys so fucking much. You all are incredible humans, and I'm sorry you're going through stuff too. It fucking sucks.

Uhm. If anyone has anything that makes school more bearable for them, or has something that allows them to be homeschooled and get into a decently good college or something, even if it's a lot of work, I'll do it. My grades are in the 90s even now, I get my shit done at home. Usually. I'm smart enough that I can do that and be okay. I just. I don't know anymore. My dad and my counselor don't want to make things "too easy" on me but they also don't want me to be stressed, but they think homeschooling is a horrible idea. I don't know why. It hurts. Everything hurts.

Might delete this post later. Idk. Also shout-out to minecraft, literally the only thing keeping me sane besides my friends.

[vylxeon-blog]

My first post on Tumblr. Im just some dude, currently struggling with bunch of shit. I decided I would write it all down to help me process things and assess my situation, doing so here on Tumblr for accountability i guess. I'm not sure if anyone will read this but the idea that someone might feels valuable to me. For context, I am a 21 Year old man living with my parents in the Netherlands.

Ive just spent a 4th day in a row essentially bed-rotting. I'm struggling with maladaptive daydreaming for 4-6 hours a day, social media and porn addiction. Im also addicted to nicotine, and I've recently decided to quit drinking, and am now 20 days sober. I'm in my 4th year of college and should be getting my bachelor's in a few months, but I only have half the required study points. At my current rate it will take atleast 2 more years to actually get my degree, I have been lying to my parents that things are going fine, in reality I havent been to school for 2 years. (Though I have been racking up debt by paying for tuition, stupidly telling myself I will start going soon. In total I have about 11k euros in debt now.

I have a lot of facial acne because I abused steroids when I was 18, I did so in a very unwise way (oral only, high dose Dianabol, no estrogen base,) and my hormones have been shot ever since. (I think. I haven't been to a doctor or gotten blood work done.) my hormones used to be a lot worse though, I used to wake up in cold sweats, have panic attacks, be extremely irritable and impatient, self harm and disassociate by staring at the mirror for sometimes up to an hour, now I just have acne.

A few months ago the company i worked for decided to stop operations, and I have been procrastinating getting a new job ever since. However recently I've gotten a new job as the Dutch equivelant of an UberEATS delivery courier. I'm glad I can finally start working again and make some money, as it helps me feel much less guilty about my college debt. I have been taking driving lessons for longer than 3 years now, I'm just not very good at it. I've failed 2 exams, and have a new one planned In march. In recent years my life feels like failure upon failure upon failure. I think I suffer from undiagnosed mental issues, I'm probably neurodivergent in several different ways.

I'm very insecure and anxious. which is why I started taking steroids originally. I exercise regularly because I want to become as big and strong as I possibly can. Becoming bigger and stronger is one of the few things in my life I feel I have actual impact on. It's the only thing I'm really making consistent progress in. I do have some hobbies and friends, I won't say what specifically because honestly this post would start becoming pretty recognizable to friends I have who have Tumblr.

I feel purposeless and like a failure. I desire so many things. I want to be independent and not rely on my parents. I want to be liked by people and respected. I want to be competent and valuable and have and be all the good things a person should be, and I'm painfully aware that right now, I am/have nothing. At 21 years old I'm a fairly blank slate with a lot of negative programming already.

Here are some of the POSITIVES of my life: I present like a confident, extroverted person. I have a group of good friends. People say that I'm good with words, funny, and compliment my dancing. I'm generally known to my friends as creative and quick witted. However many of these things are the result of playing a character, putting on a front/mask. Also, I have strangely been somewhat succesful with women, having been in 2! (😎) Long term relationships, with both my girlfriends having broken up with me lol. This might not seem like a great achievement at 21 but my friends are all virgins so from they're perspective im a Chad.

Also, I'm a relatively strong guy, I'm not huge (though I will be some day,) but I'm fairly strong, I also practice MMA and am always able to beat my friends in wrestling. (This is valuable to me because I am deeply insecure. I know this shouldn't matter in a civilized society. I was always very weak in primary/high school, and when I "discovered" the gym at 18, like so many other young men, I became obsessed with physical strength and size.

I'm grateful that im not sexist or hateful, (If I may say so myself,) In our friend group we know some men who are and they are made fun of relentlessly. I think the only reason I am not an incel/sexist or whatever is because of positive experiences I have always had with female friends in school and girlfriends. I have always gotten along great with women. (Except my mom. I do not have a good relationship with either of my parents. They divorced when I was 19, I see my dad once every couple months, and I more or less hate my mother because I remember how she relentlessly verbally abused me for very small things when I was just a little boy. and try to avoid interacting with her even though I live in the same house.)

I want to get better. There was a time when things were better, what kept me grounded was having a job. It kept me from just procrastinating all week. I didn't work that much, around 12 hours a week. But together with going to the gym everyday, and my 2 scheduled hobbies I atleast did 1-2 productive things every day. I had a reason to get out of bed. I felt much less guilty about the way I was living.

I hope my new job is able to do the same for me. I want to: stop endlessly procrastinating, scrolling, maladaptive daydreaming, smoking, masturbating self harming and disassociating.

In a perfect world, I would: pass drivers exam coming up, scavenge whatever remaining study points I can and come clean to my parents about my college situation. Consistently eat clean, high protein at a 500 calory surplus for bulking. Work 3 days a week or so so I can make 11k euros to pay off my debt.

I feel like I'm drowning in things I need to do to get better. I need to visit a dermatologist to finally fix my skin after 3 years of acne. I struggle to say no whenever someone asks me to help with something so I have regular extra responsibilities from my hobbies, on the one hand they teach my valuable stuff and keep me grounded and in the real world, not disassociating. But it also weighs on me heavily.

Writing all this down has helped me clear my mind a little. I have some hope I will maybe be able to make some improvements. I'll try to do my best tomorrow. (Then again, I always try to do my best. Most of the time I fail and end up doing my meh-st)

[an-expected-journey-to-jeju]

Journal entry #8

Hey look, an update from yours truly!

Everything is just the same old stuff, except for on Thursday I'm going to China... did I mention that yet? Yep, I'm going to China! I'll be going to Shanghai and Hangzhou with the students here at LRIS. I'm super excited! I can show off the Chinese I learned like four semesters ago that I can hardly remember anymore. I'll definitely try and take a whole bunch of photos! If I can get a good VPN then I'll try and post as well. The only thing I'm worried about is that I don't have a carry-on suitcase, only my big check-ins. My mom (I love you mom <3) sent me stuff inside a carry-on suitcase (like a suitcase inside a package) and it still hasn't arrived yet. The website said 3-6 days, the man told my mom 7 days, and it's been 8 business days now. (She sent it on the 6th and it's currently the 18th). What worries me more is that when we type in the tracking ID, nothing shows up. Not knowing really is scary. Is it lost? Is it taking it's sweet time? Did it get confiscated? Stolen? I just wanna know where my package is ;_;

I also got my passport back from the Chinese Visa place, so I can finally get a phone! The only thing now is finding a way to get to the phone place, and figuring out how to get a SIM card (and how to pay for said SIM card). Also when should I go out and get it: after China? Before China? I have no idea.

The temperature has dropped dramatically these past few days. It's now 6 degrees and it feels even colder. What sucks too is that my winter coat is in the package I'm waiting for. Waking up to go to school is really hard now too since it's cold and I want to stay in bed. I really hope I get my winter jacket.

On a different matter, I've really started to learn how to genuinely enjoy Christ and seek Him first in all matters. I really liked week 4 day 2 in the morning revival:

"The mind is the leading part of the soul and the representative of the soul. To take over a person's mind is to take over the entire person... Whenever the soul is not dependent on God but is independent of Him, the soul immediately becomes the self. This means that whenever we do something by ourselves without depending on God, we are in the self... Man is a soul, and as a soul he should depend on God for everything"

I have to confess that I'm in my head constantly, relying only on myself and making decisions without checking in with God first. Even if it's a right decision, without God it is wrong. I am in the self and independent of God. But these days, especially with one serious matter, I am just enjoying the Lord, continually being dependent on Him. Life is so much easier when you trust and rely on someone else to do something. My prayer is:

"Lord, I can't do anything, but You can do everything. I don't know what is happening, but everything is in Your hands. Everything is out of my control but You have everything in Your control. I don't know where to go but I know You will guide me. I just need to follow You."

I'm still not perfect. I still overthink and worry about things, and I hate when I don't know what will happen or when things are out of control. But I think the odds are in my favour when God is the one working everything out.

[eclectictransgirl]

On therapy

Disclaimer: This article isn’t meant to dissuade anyone from seeking therapy. If you find therapy to be beneficial, I am happy for you. Please continue to seek therapy.

Undeniable advancements modern science has made in the field of mental health. We have a better understanding of mental diseases, disorders and personality idiosyncracies. And a big part of it relies on nomenclature. Bipolar disorder, paranoia, autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, DID, narcissism, sociopathic, etc. While, in the right hands (which is that of a mental health counsellor) such nomenclature can prove useful, over the last decade, social media has made a certain popular usage of these terms that, in my opinion  has been detrimental to society.

I’ve always been someone who’s worked on improving myself. A large part of this has been getting feedback (sometimes rudely, sometimes more genuinely) from others on my personality and introspecting on my behaviour. I learnt somewhat late in my life that my way of talking comes across as mean to people even though I didn’t intend it to be that way. This prompted me to consider what I said and what I didn’t say and try to pinpoint where and why this behaviour of mine actually rooted from. I like to think I am at a better point than I was a few years ago as far as making conversations go. Another toxic personality trait of mine was to argue on trivialties that didn’t require argument. This was another area I worked on and am continuing to work on.

At a certain point in my life my friends started telling me I’m depressed and I should seek a therapist. Some friends also implied that I am neurodivergent and I display autistic and ADHD traits. In my opinion this is the bane of youtube and social media. “Therapy speak” has become popular and people, especially younger people are quick to assign labels to people’s mental conditions. To a certain degree, I felt gaslit to seek therapy. The popularity of therapy has resulted in an atmosphere that to some degree, having sad or ‘different’ thoughts is immediately seen as bad and you are told to seek therapy. And if you don’t, you are judged. But therapy has a longstanding history in philosophy that is missing from both counselling and psychology school.

Before modern psychology existed, the way people coped with their emotions was via community. Gathering every evening to share life’s woes and joys. Religion played a significant role in easing people’s minds too in whatever twisted rules it imposed. Confession booths. However, all of these did root in some philosophical discourse. Yes, making people feel guilty for being gay was awful and that is not what I’m referring to. What I am talking about is easing people’s minds that God is there for them, and they’ll one day unite with God is rooted in some form of philosophy. Regardless of whether you are an atheist or a believer, what can be seen is the philosophical motivation behind religious therapy. Community therapy was also a place where people, for the large part,  talked about what life is. A large part of Buddhism is talking about life and death. And I find it necessary. Today, I feel a disconnect, a lost community. When what I really need is people who know me well to tell me where I am going wrong, what I find is people who know me well telling me to pay someone who doesn’t see me day to day to tell me what to do. 

I am onto my fourth therapist now. I did one session each with my first two therapists and four sessions with my third therapist before deciding I wasn’t benefiting from them in any way. Not only were they futile, I was also spending money to get trivial advice such as “journal your thoughts” or “breathe deeply” which is… not incorrect but certainly not something I needed to be told by someone i’m paying $100 to. I am currently back in therapy again and we’ve been discussing how I can cope with my anxiety. Four sessions in, what I’ve gotten is “zoom in to your present and focus on the moment.” I don’t think that is wrong advice however, it begs the question, is this advice I need to spend an hour a week for? Thankfully this time my therapy is free so I will continue for a while longer to see if things improve. But being pressured to think that I’m defective for not seeking therapy even though I have mental problems in no way would improve my condition. 

Today, we’ve placed therapists on a pedestal, making them seem as some sort of magicians who can fix everything for us whereas they’re also just humans like everyone and most often say things quite obvious to their clients. As a society, we have lots empathy. I think telling people to “see a therapist” instead of offering a couple of hours of their time to have a deep-meaningful conversation reflects some form of selfishness. I do not pass value judgment on it, I do not say whether such selfishness is good or bad but it seems to be becoming the way of life. This isn’t to say boundaries aren’t a real thing. No one needs to shoulder the burden of talking to someone on the verge of killing themself. That is a job for the suicide helpliners. However, it becomes imperative to question what led to such a person to reach a point where they decide to end their life. And I think a large part of it can be attributed to not having people whom they have deep connections with when they were relatively normal functioning. This world is lonely, we are born alone and we die alone for the most part and the only thing that keeps us going is community. Anyone who is deprived of community and friendship  is deprived of their humanity. Is deprived of their reason to live. People’s souls are nourished by connecting to other people. Placing people in categories of ADHD or BPD or narcissism is deleterious to the nuances that are associated with being a human being.

Providing people with a sense of purpose, as simple as caring for their loved one to as grandiose as serving their community is something that therapy does not seem to advocate for.  The sense of purpose roots from an individual’s relationships- their relationship with the people around them , their relationship with nature, their relationship with their pets and someone trained in a school building will not cater to such individuality. This comes from the people who see you everyday. All of us get one chance at life and it becomes essential that we get guidance from those around us. What is needed is not just one or the other, but a combination of both therapy and community. However, a level of individualism has taken grip of people, especially newer generations and has resulted in a lack of empathy.

Once again, I do not dissuade anyone from seeking therapy, I am currently seeking therapy myself. And maybe I will change a lot of my current opinions. But these are just my thoughts on therapy as has been my experience till date.

[bigfeelingstiedtongue]

i don't drink a lot. only on special occasions with friends. i drink for a good time, not to deal with bad times. i never take it up as a coping mechanism because it's slippery slope i'm not willing to risk falling into.

but sometimes it gets really tempting.

it's always so disappointing looking at them and seeing the kind, amazing people they could have been. they constantly say that we can be whatever we want and not to compare ourselves to other people but to who we were in the past, yet they constantly say things that contradict that so badly. and i know its a generational thing because i've always heard the same from my grandparents, and i absolutely despise it.

i recently found out that one of my younger cousins from my father's side basically made it his goal to outdo me academically (consistent honors student that makes it seem effortless, ig) because our grandmother kept comparing us. i hate that for him, and i hate it because i know my brothers feel the same way even if they would never say it. when things get really rough, i hear the bitterness in their tones when they speak of me and the constant criticisms. i try my best to comfort them, but i'm probably the last person they want to speak to when in those moods.

i never wanted to be the standard. i nearly broke under the pressure of having to be the pristine first grandchild who could do no wrong (no vices, great grades, rarely complaining, etc.). in my head, if i kept it up, all the attention and they would be free of the pressure that has haunted me. i was wrong and i ended up as another tool in this cycle of generational trauma, and i absolutely hate that.

my mother may not know it, but she does make me feel like an investment to an extent. she uses herself and her siblings as an example of constantly helping each other financially, but she doesn't see what we see as the next generation.

we see how our grandmother disregards our aunt's feelings to the point our uncle has to step up.

we see how while they do help their eldest with financial problems, they hold it against him sometimes.

we see how one of my grandmother's brothers is such a deadbeat that he relies on his sisters for most of his financial needs because he decided to have more than 5 children with multiple different women without having financial stability. and we see his youngest growing up to be exactly like him

we see how they want to appease family so bad that they'll do nearly everything for approval. at one point, my grandmother let some extended family sleep in her room for a night and she got expensive jewelry stolen, but she didn't know who stole it so she let it slide.

we see how until now, they're so afraid to disappoint family that they're willing to compromise their own desires and boundaries.

i don't want that for us. am i wrong for thinking that? am i wrong for not being willing to disrespect myself for other people?

at some point you just get used to that emptiness that you don't even notice it anymore. i can acknowledge to some degree that i need some help but i've been doing fine so far so why bother, right? i'm coping just fine, so until i can no longer cope, i'll keep going as i always have.

i like to think i'm in a better place now, though.

[palms-upturned]

Same anon from before. No, I still truly don’t feel like any of this is enough. I don’t trust myself or my own judgement to make the right decisions on these things and rely on whoever I believe falls into the category of “more right than not” (you would fall into that!) because I just want to not get yelled at. I want other people to be liberated too so I recognize that it’s not about my feelings but to that end I also believe I shouldn’t matter here and as a privileged person just be told (1/2

(2/2) What to do by people who know better than me. I know I’ll never be perfect or do enough so why shouldn’t the better among us just force us into a revolution right now? I’m too trapped by my job to be able to do local organizing. All the protests happen either while I’m at work or are already happening when I didn’t know it. People say to either take time for you or spend all your time on educating yourself and organizing but where does that leave my life? Worthless, I think. I wish someone Would just tell me so. Tell me yes or no; am I living correctly or not? Am I properly dedicating myself to what truly matters or not? I don’t want a revolution that happens after you and I are gone. I want one yesterday. I want one where we actually, ACTUALLY LEGIT force people to change their ways. Like, “sacrificing all your excess clothes and frivolus toys to the efforts” kind of force. I fucking hate living in this grey area where we could be trying our best but be unknowingly commiting evil At any time. I’m sorry, that was a lot. Just…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what that says about me if I wish we just had hard and fast, unflinching RULES about how we should be acting right now and people to enforce it instead of being left to wade through our own flaws and imperfections and internal biases. I wish I could have them surgically removed and make myself a perfect fighter for justice

Well… I don’t really know what to say other than I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough and will never feel like enough. I know that uncertainty is painful and so is living under structures that we didn’t ask to be built. I don’t think that wanting to escape those things says anything particularly bad about you. I think all of us do. But the revolution didn’t come yesterday, and things just are what they are… At some point, you have to be able to make peace with that. Not to the extent of accepting the way things are, but to the extent that you can still see value in your life and in putting in the work to change things. Whatever work you can do.

Knowing whether or not you’re doing the “right thing” can only come from your own convictions. Those will solidify the more you learn and act on them and see the results. That, I think, is how you cope with the uncertainty. You do what is within your power, and you believe in what is within the reasonable scope of your observations. Even if there really was someone who you could rely on to tell you how to live correctly and what truly matters, you would still have to have a reason to personally believe that they were “more right than not.” I know it sucks, I really do. But you have to let go of the fantasy of being able to just give the reins to someone else. You have to see yourself as someone capable of conviction.

And believe me, I know how frustrating it is to deal with the limits. I am also annoyed at protests always happening on weekends when blue collar workers don’t get to have the day off to attend, including me. I’m annoyed at how many events I don’t get to go to because nobody requires masks indoors. I’m endlessly angry about how much time and strength I waste on my full time retail job just to be allowed to live in some degree of dignity when I could be putting that energy toward organizing. I hate how many layers there are to this beast that makes organizing inaccessible to the people who need it most. And I hate the limits of my body sometimes, too. But it is what it is and it won’t get better if we don’t accept it for what it is and work out what to do about it.

Regardless of any “value” that someone could assign your life, you have a right to be here like anyone else. And you are not as powerless as people would like you to think, nor as powerless as you would probably be relieved to think. We have an obligation to do what we can to improve things, and for most of us, there’s a lot more that we can do than we know. But there’s still a lot that we can’t do. And it’s so despair inducing at times like this, but we can’t let that stop us from doing something.

I know you’re probably just venting and I don’t really know what I can say to make any of this easier. I also don’t necessarily think it’s true to say that I’m “more right than not.” But I’ve hit suicidal rock bottom before and I don’t wish that for you. I know it hurts to work toward an ideal world knowing that we likely won’t live to see it if it even comes to exist at all. I know it hurts to know that our lives are dependent on the exploitation of others in ways that we can’t currently entirely avoid. But in the same way, our lives support other lives. And we can strengthen that support so long as we live and try. That’s what gets me through.

[erithel]

This is no way meant to be a hate ask and look i want to like the idea of canon klance and i want to like canon Keith but lbr if the writers had made klance or any keith ship canon they would have done it in worst way possible with the ship being only meant to benefit Keith while simultaneously being detrimental to the love interest. Cause fact is that Keith was writers pet, the top priority, the self insert, they destroyed all the characterization and agency and roles of other characters for the plot and story and then destroyed said plot and story to make Keith super cool hero character.

I keep seeing posts like how canon wouldnt suck if (insert Keith ship) had been canon and i am like, canon sucked because they priortized a lbr white coded able bodied character over canonical characters of colour who were reduced to torture porn, hate sinks, and comic relief. Canon sucked because the characters who were established as important parts of the story were reduced to side characters and plot devices so that Keith could shine brighter. And a canon Keith ship would not have helped any character other than Keith, and if anything would have reduced the other character as an eye candy comforter.

Again this is not meant to be a hate ask. It is just been frustrating to be in this fandom especially as a darker skinned woc to watch this show and fandom still treat characters of colour as woke points while using them to prop up Keith

I have debated over responding to this message, mainly because there are some things in here that could potentially cause drama on my page if I even respond to them in any way.

However, there are some points in here worth addressing, so...

First and foremost, I am going to say that I can see your intention is not to make this a hate ask. However, it does come across that way to some degree. The main reason being that you are making valid points about the other characters, but you are doing it by pushing Keith's character down - and that is the stuff I don't really like to see, here.

I'm not trying to invalidate your view on things, because I realize your point was literally this, just the other way around. I'm just saying for the sake of my own page, I've had a lot of asks in a similar vein and it's not really something I'm interested in discussing in asks.

Of course everyone can like and dislike whichever characters they choose, but I do like to keep things as fair and equal as possible across the board. So, I am always open to discussions and opinions on why a character or another deserved more and better, but only if they do not come at the expense of another character.

And with this, specifically - I just don't see this version of Keith you are referring to, so there's not even much I can add to that part of your ask.

To the other parts, however, this very much illustrates the need to having diversity in the creation process of shows and movies.

Unfortunately, a lot of studios and execs and whoever greenlights these things still rely on the "token" aspect when it comes to diversity.

As your ask proves, it doesn't do any good just to simply have characters of color, for example, if they are reduced to stereotypes or insignificant parts.

This is where the actual diversity should come in - because it needs to happen behind the scenes for there to be a change that will actually mean something.

In my opinion, experience is so much more important than any title or rank or connection. It is important to actually include and receive input from creators who understand a situation on its basest level.

I consider myself to be a very empathetic person who tries my best to understand human nature and emotions. But I, as a white person, will never have the same experience as you, a person of color. It's literally and physically impossible.

But that's the whole point.

Because if a book were to be written about the actual experiences of growing up as a poc, there are insights and stories you, anon, could offer than I could only take a wild guess at. And vice versa.

I'm not saying that creators should only create based on their own personal life and experiences. But it is important for larger projects such as shows that want to include a diverse cast to actually employ people who understand what it is like.

Because it's not enough to just throw a darker skinned character in a show and say "Hey look at us we did it. Diversity! Woohoo!"

And it is just bad storytelling all around if any character in any given situation is only there for the purpose of the "main character" (or any other character).

Because what really makes a story interesting is the diversity that can come from the different experiences and opinions of the various characters - how they can clash and converge and change and grow.

The final thing I will add is that in my mind, Keith is Asian and Galran, so...mixed. I understand a lot of trouble could have been avoided if the showrunners had just confirmed this was the case while the show was airing, but, well...we can't change the past.

It was, in the most technical sense, confirmed here, but I do understand that most people will view that as too little too late, and that's understandable.